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September 30th, 2009
02:36 pm - its not that easy.
wow...its been a while, eh?
i miss blogging.
its the only time i can really express how i feel.
too many ppl are judging my emotions nowadays.
i fucking hate it.
why cant i just say what i really want and get away with it?
instead of saying whats truly on my mind and then turning around two seconds later and apologizing for it and saying i didnt mean to?
hmm well. no more apologizing. unless i really am sorry.
im sick of being that nice girl.
it doesnt pay off. dont listen to the lies that everyone tells you.
nice does not get you what you want.
im done lying to myself.
on the other hand, ive done a damn fine job of alienating a couple ppl in the last 24 hours. i actually do feel bad for it.
but whatever. i only did it by speaking the truth. if they cant handle it, then fuck'em. really.
im so over everything.
school.
relationships.
friends [so-called].
life, bitch.
i feel like once im done with college maybe then my life will start.
its just a matter of how much longer i can remain sane to put up with all the stress in my life.
boo.
ps. check out the new paramore album, its the fucking shit man.
Current Location: apt.
Current Mood:  blah
Current Music: paramore-all i wanted
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February 6th, 2009
12:41 am - just take one step at a time...theres no need to rush
its like learning to fly
or falling in love
love......
so...how to sum it up?
you cant.
right now, its frustrating.
for the first time in my relationship with chris, i dont want to talk to him on the phone.
we are having that conversation that every couple has at some point.
you know, the one where we talk about who we've slept with in the past and how i put him in awkward situations when we go out to parties and see guys ive been with and continue to be friends with.
gahh...we've had this conversation more than a few times.
i wish there were no emotion such as jealousy.
it would make life easier.
yeah, i wouldnt like it either. but i wouldnt bitch about it everytime we're about to go out.
i would never say this to him and thats why i'll say it now, just so i can get it off my chest, "Get the Fuck over it."
its funny how you can go from having a very pleasant conversation about taking a road trip to florida with your bf for spring break and thinking nothing except, "God i love him so much, hes so amazing" to: "wow chris, just stop talking. im annoyed with you."
guess thats what i get for mentioning the guest list for carries party.
from now on ill just have to consider what i say to him before i say it. that sucks.
i just hate upsetting him and being upset with him.
while i would love for everyone in this world to find the love that i have for chris, ive found myself thinking, "relationships suck."
but they truth is, they rarely suck as you are with the right person.
yet...i still find myself thinking....
its only a thought however and i know my life would be miserable without him.
i love him very much and i know that relationships have their ups and downs.
a major part of me knows that its the distance that wears on us. i think thats why we get frustrated sometimes.
but i also cant help but think that theres still a part of him that doesnt trust me completely.
exhibit A: calling me four hundred million times at ben's party when i was right upstairs with Chelsea the whole time. i can understand i suppose...steve was there, and maybe both of us just coincidently disappeared at the same time which worried chris when he couldnt find me. who knows?
i find it funny that the very last words Ben said to me before he left today were,"watch out for that kid, he breaks hearts."
ha...like i didnt know that already and will happily admit im soo over that kid anyways.
i was actually kinda sad those were his last words to me tho...i was sad nontheless. he'll be gone til july.
im hoping ill be able to tag along with sam and chelsea when they pick him up from the airport...but who knows? ben mentioned staying and finishing his degree in australia. i think that this trip will be a good experience for him. i think he desperately needs it. good for him for getting away.
but anyways...
i feel annoyed with myself for mentioning this, but i feel as tho the whole losing weight idea is so unreachable. im getting more and more hopeless with each day.
i know i just started working out again today, but i dont have the money to buy healthy foods and as of right now i feel as tho ive bloated out even more since i got back to school. wtf is up with that?
really, ive reached the point of desperation where i think that my only option is to straight up not eat.
but i think ive come up with a plan that i will try.
it entails a stricter work out plan and also trying to eat less carbs and more fruit.
and of course not eating past 9.
i need some support tho..this will be very difficult.
so difficult that i am crying at the thought.
truth is, im tired.
tired of constantly feeling pressured to look thin. ive always had thin gorgeous friends.
i will be that girl that turns heads.
i swear it.
no matter what it takes.
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood:  stressed
Current Music: A lack of color-death cab
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January 29th, 2009
01:05 am - im coming up only to pull you under.
the funeral-band of horses.
if there were ever a band i would recommend you listen to, it would be band of horses.
they are fucking amazing. enough said.
i am currently sitting on my bed reading about nutrition in my newly purchased yoga pants (courtesy of aerie stores)
they are my current addiction. along with being extremely lazy and eating out.
i told carrie i am going to turn over a new leaf as of tomorrow.
serious. im making myself wake up early and going back to working out.
this cold of mine has really put a damper on me losing weight. fuck.
not only that but i am going on the special k diet and buying a shitload of fruit tomorrow.
i WILL look good for mickis wedding.
not only that but i WILL look good for MYSELF.
along with deciding to kill myself at the gym everyday from now on i also decided a few other things:
1) living on my own in an apt in walker sounds waaay better than living in copper beech surrounded by distractions next year.
2) i dont have the balls to tell my roommates i dont want to live here, therefore i prolly will hate my life yet again this time next year.
3) randomly, (well not so random) i decided that i hate tools. seriously. tool guys are whats wrong with good girls not being able to be happy in relationships.
4) im really going to miss Ben Stacey. (theres no correlation between the tool comment and my comment about missing Ben, because he is not a tool) lol
5) im seriously considering taking a semester off. will i? most likely not. but its a nice little dream of mine.
6) im giving up pop and going to pretend im addicted to water
7) im going to try and be more positive, im too negative with myself. like, saying "fuck my life" needs to stop!
8) id really like to start complimenting strangers more often, its such a good feeling when i do and i dont do it enough.
9) i need to download more music and read more books.
10) lastly, i really need to start thinking about my future. i need to get the ball rolling on applying for grad school and nursing school and i really need to try to figure out what im going to do with my life so that i can stop worrying so much about it.
there. i made some decisions. not many, but some. i think its a good start for a girl who has spent her whole life being indecisive and basing her decisions on how it would benefit everyone else but herself.
i just made another decision.
11) not to make decisions based on whats best for other people. i need to make decisions based on whats best for myself.
i think ive finally found a new years resolution....do whats in my best interest, even if it means pissing other people off. if they are a good person at all, they will understand. if not, fuck 'em.
although i have an enormous amount of pressure collecting in between my eyes at the moment, i feel good.
i feel good knowing that im at least attempting to take the reigns in my life.
i lost control so long ago that i dont know where it all started to feel as though life was falling apart.
i really need to take control. it feels good knowing that im at least thinking about it.
you see,
unhappiness consumes me.
its time i took control and found my happiness again.
lets hope Day One of my strenuous workout schedule puts me back on track to finding happiness.
Day One will end with Chris crawling into bed with me...i think thats a very good start to finding my "inner" happiness.
i should go to bed now.
ive got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
g'night loves.
hang in there.
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: Never think-twilight soundtrack
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January 26th, 2009
06:03 pm - ashes to ashes, we all fall down.
im sick,
im sad,
im really pissed off
and worst of all,
im lonely.
nothing has gone right this wknd.
absolutely nothing at all.
i thought that it would all be over considering that its monday.
nope.
i woke up with a sore throat, the chills, congestion and a headache.
chris and i are fighting really bad.
its because of me.
im really jealous hes going to the kings of leon concert tonight without me when i mentioned it to him months ago.
but of course he doesnt see why im so mad...he thinks im being ridic.
maybe its all an effort to push him away.
bottom line is, i feel unappreciated. he says hed do anything for me, but so far, hes done nothing.
hes never done anything sweet for me.
when im constantly doing sweet little things for him.
maybe we are fighting so much bc i feel this way and yet i cant tell him.
who knows.
if he loves me and really wants to be with me he'll put up with my shit for right now and then prove that he can treat me like the princess i deserve to be treated like.
thats all i ask.
but oh well, we all cant have that now can we?
fuck it.
seems to be my motto lately.
maybe ill just go crawl into a hole somewhere.
no one will miss me.
Current Location: bed, being sick.
Current Mood:  cranky
Current Music: use somebody-kings of leon
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January 21st, 2009
12:45 am - real me in already.
tis a new year.
time for some changes as everyone says.
but nothing hardcore.
i just finished running 2 miles a bit ago to release some pent up frustrations.
ive been running like a crazy person lately. like im obsessed or something. its good tho, im addicted!
things with chris are going really well. he was here for the last couple days.
it was nice to lay in bed and relax, minus the few squabbles we may have had.
i do miss him already, but it was time for him to go home.
although i would love to live with him, i can see how i would need space.
truth be told, today before he left i was starting to feel suffocated.
i think because i was just so tired and grumpy and he assumed something was wrong so he kept asking me what was wrong and i kept replying "nothing"
but of course he doesnt believe me and persists to ask....grrr....definitely one of my top pet peeves.
we've been talking about being married a lot.
i do like the sound of it :)
i cant see myself with anyone else.
i do admit its still a pretty frightening thought however. idk if IM ready, im worried that i wont be a good wife or mother :(
what happens if im not a good wife or mother because i wasnt ready? chris leaves me? then what would i do?
im getting myself all worked up. over nothing.
i love chris, he loves me and we are perfect for each other.
i dont think anyone is ever completely ready...how can you be?
oh well...ive got a couple more years to prepare myself.
i cant wait until the day he proposes tho...i think about it all the time, how hes going to do it, where we are going to be, whether ill cry....
its a very exciting thing to find your soulmate.
i hope everyone on this earth gets to experience what i have.
ive never felt so important, so loved, so needed, so ALIVE.
Current Location: my room.
Current Mood:  good
Current Music: I Caught Myself-Paramore
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December 5th, 2008
02:07 am - there something in your voice
it makes me wanna lose myself...
damn. let me start off by saying, "its been awhile."
there's so much to discuss and not much time because i am waiting for chris to call and then im off to bed.
i'd like to point out before i begin ranting that, i am totally, utterly and completely 100% in love.
i know ive said it before, but, chris is the one.
theres no doubt in my mind. he brings me happiness i have never experienced before in my life.
i never thought it possible that i could love someone so much it hurt.
he is constantly on my mind, all day, every night.
whenever hes not around i feel like a different person, like something is missing.
but when that missing piece finds its way to me, its like a dream.
something so surreal i still dont know what to think of it.
he came to visit me the other night and i swear to you i thought i needed to be pinched.
ive never been so happy to see someone in my life. it was one of those situations where you are so so happy that you just kinda sit there and smile and dont say a word.
but nothing needed to be spoken. just the look i was giving him told him enough.
i love him.
more than anyone will even know. quite possibly even myself.
this is it guys. this is it.
wanna know how i know?
everytime i look at him i fall in love all over again.
when i know im closer to his house or hes closer to mine i get butterflies in my stomach.
when i kiss him i am literally in heaven.
i dont want anyone else as long as i live.
sorry ladies, but this one's off the market for good...even though theres not a ring on this finger, hes all mine...and i couldnt ask for anything more.
my life is complete!
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood:  loved
Current Music: feels like home-chantel
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October 29th, 2008
12:49 am - H is for happy.
first of all, i would like to comment on my amazing night with carrie.
i seriously have so much fun with that girl when we are together.
ive never laughed so hard.
i love true friends, theyre ggggrrrrrrreaaat!!
shes pretty much the shit and will be my friend for the rest of my life. yay!
im finally releasing my hair from the constriction of bobby pins and a hair tie...it feels so good.
as of now im snuggled beneath my wonderful down comforter with a genetics book in hand.
i just dont get it. i enjoy learning this stuff, but am not doing all too well.
eh w/e. school blows and im burnt out, end of story.
although im burnt out, i find myself wanting to concentrate more than ever.
thats a good thing!
my eyelids are heavy and my stomach is full.
too much popcorn while watching "urban legends"
i just got off the phone with my loverboy and i will tell you, there is NOTHING more frustrating about a relationship when you are already long distance and your bf doesnt have a phone and must rely on his roommates phone and then cant talk long because his roommates phone is about to die.
long distance takes a toll on me, emotionally. i love the freedom i have, but i hate feeling alone although i have a bf.
its kind of a "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing, but not really cuz its not like hes out of my mind.
more like, "out of sight, seems nonexistent."
thats how i feel, a long distance relationship where i only see my bf on the wknds and communicate a majority of the time through texting, im in a relationship that seems almost nonexistent when hes not around.
after all, distance makes the heart grow fonder ;)
and i seem to be growing fonder of him because i want nothing more than to be with chris.
the whole distance thing is getting old.
christmas break will be a nice breather for us however.
in closing, i would like to say that today was a good day.
i am going to bed with a smile on my face because i got to spend quality time with friends :]
and so i shall end it with genetics and then catch some zzz's.
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood:  cheerful
Current Music: The Pretender-Foo Fighters
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October 25th, 2008
11:55 am - hello...ive waited here for you. Everlong...
im currently laying in bed nursing my hangover and figured this would be a good time to update.
school is still very stressful, i really cannot wait until its over with.
ive changed my schedule a million times this last week and am waiting for some classes to open up so i can add to the stress in my life.
ive made the decision to stay at grand valley to finish my hpr degree.
lets face it, while i do think i would love msu, i do not think i am ready to say goodbye to grand valley.
i know there is not much to do with an hpr degree however, so i will be applying to the accelerated nursing program at msu next fall.
there i will achieve my bsn and continue until i have my masters.
problem solved.
i hope lol.
this last week has really gotten me thinking.
not only about school but about life and the people in my life as well.
ive just been reevaluating some things...some relationships i have.
i have some amazing friends.
i am very lucky to have some of the ppl i have in my life.
this saddens me at the same time bc, i feel like i havent been there like they have for me.
im never around.
last night when i went out and saw old friends, almost every one of them gave me shit for never being around.
it sucked.
i feel like ive failed as a friend.
im letting my relationship with chris consume every aspect of my life.
but can you blame me? we dont get to see each other and we are still in the stages of a developing relationship.
still discovering things about each other.
ive discovered he has a very short temper.
it doesnt help that he's had bad luck lately.
i feel as tho he's been taking out things on me. :(
it makes me very, very sad.
to think that ive found someone i could potentially spend the rest of my life with but already feel like his short temper is getting old.
im not saying he spazzes out all the time. what bothers me the most is that he gets mad very easily, moreso he gets offended very easily.
i sort of feel like i cant joke with him a lot of the time.
i cant help but feel like he has been pushing me away this wk.
but if its really meant to be, it will be.
obviously there are always things couples dont like about each other.
this is just another thing ive come to dislike.
not that theres an entire list or anything.
just a select three things lol.
but none of them make him a bad person or make me think less of him.
i love chris very much.
hes very important to me.
but some things have to change.
i find myself thinking that i cant tolerate much more of the way hes been lately.
there are some things he does that reminds me of tim.
and i hate that.
(sigh)
i just dont know what to think.
one minute hes in a bad mood, barely saying anything to me at all.
and the next, hes telling me he loves me and cant wait to shower me with hugs and kisses.
i talked to carrie about it last night and we both agreed that im going to back off a bit.
i already feel the need to give him space.
its funny, i always thought i'd be the one to push him away.
but instead, hes the one doing it to me.
just another rainy day in the life of ashley clark i tell ya.
ps. im sad to say i lost a very dear pet last friday, garfield was very sick, and had to be put down.
at least i know he is in kitty heaven being God's pain in the ass and not mine ;)
i love you baby kitty, and miss you terribly.
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: how to say goodbye-nick and norah's infinite playlist soundtrack
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October 14th, 2008
11:05 pm - it can creep up inside you and consume you, its too close for comfort.
ive become obsessed with the song, "disturbia" lately.
idk why.
maybe because i, myself am in a state of disturbia.
everything bothers me.
i feel like i finally know what i want out of life and yet, its almost impossible to achieve it.
school is killing me.
the fact that i desperately need to make a decision is tiring.
what if i dont want to make a decision?
what if i cant handle the stress anymore? is it socially acceptable to break?
no. of course not.
im the "brilliant" child out of my family that is going to college and going to make something of herself.
and yet, id say im an accomplished fuck up.
so here's what i hope to accomplish in my trek throughout the rest of my collegiate career.
switch to nursing.
take all the prereqs for vet school.
get my bs in nursing.
if i cant get into vet medicine, go to nursing school.
problem solved.
where to go is still a problem...
msu vs gvsu
there are def pros and cons for both.
but ive been considering it, and i think there are more pros to staying at gv. at least for right now until i speak with a nursing advisor at both schools.
why cant someone just hand me a pamphlet for life and say, "here you go, this is what you need to do, this is what is best for you and this is what will ensure your success in life."
ahhh life....its like a roller coaster.
although im in love, theres certain rides i cannot force myself to get on.
a dumb analogy, i know. but its the truth.
another thing id like to get off my chest: relationships.
could it be a possibility that i pick fights with chris because i feel as though our relationship is too perfect?
does it work that way?
could it be that i just feel too insecure to be with someone like him so i feel the need to pick fights so he wont want to be with me and i can go back to being miserable?
i never realized that i could feel this way in a relationship.
i never realized something so wonderful could make me feel so insecure.
im just so terribly afraid of the possibility of losing him to another person i guess.
i cant let myself believe he loves me 100%.
lol.
i laugh because i know i didnt feel this way until i saw him check out another woman right in front of me.
it still kills me. the dagger is making its way deeper into my heart.
he tells me he wants only me.
then why doesnt he see only me? the whole, "i check out other women because im a guy and its genetic." is fucking bullshit.
it really is.
and then...i got the mental image of him fucking his gf last night. (it was brought up in conversation)
i dont like thinking about him fucking anyone.
maybe i just really hate thinking about chris fucking someone he was with for so long.
using the word "fucking" really makes it worse too.
but i refuse to use any other term.
maybe its just because he had that connection with someone else other than me.
guess part of me feels as though i never realized how pathetically insecure i am until i started dating chris.
maybe its not insecurity.
maybe its fear.
fear that at any moment, i could lose someone i love dearly.
if i let my insecurities get the best of me however, this is sure to happen.
AND kill the rant.
relationships really make you think.
ive done way too much thinking for my own good tonight.
"if you must faulter, be wise."
Current Location: bed.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: you left me-maine
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October 8th, 2008
11:46 am - i've got nowhere to go, nowhere but home.
just another day closer to seeing my family.
its been a month since ive been home and these last couple days i have been very homesick.
i miss my mom.
i miss my dad.
i miss my lil bro.
i miss my babies garfield and buster.
i miss my extended family.
i miss chris.
being homesick has made me seriously, seriously consider transferring to state.
i would be closer to home, which is sucha benefit to me.
its looking like i will actually be leaving grand valley next year, which is pretty saddening to me.
i love it here.
but feel as though i need to move on.
i woke up to the pitter patter of the rain on my window.
its the perfect sound, im sure.
such a soothing sound.
its a perfect day to lay in bed all day.
ive been feeling quite sad lately, loves.
and i dont know why.
if i must confess, i feel as though i was picking fights with chris all wknd out of sadness.
i feel like, since we are so perfect that it must be too good to be true and i must pick fights.
to be honest, despite the fact i may have picked a couple fights with him this past wknd, i was quite content until sunday night.
then i lost all confidence that i had gained from being with him.
ive never experienced a boyfriend turning his head while he is with you to glare at another girl.
it was heartbreaking.
you may feel as though i am being ridiculous. i am not.
i am one of the most insecure ppl.
i constantly criticize myself when i look in the mirror.
i feel as though i am not pretty enough for him.
& he goes and does that.
it was like a dagger to the heart...
ive been finding myself being even more critical now.
so critical its hurtful.
its just, when when i was with tim, when i liked jason, when i liked steve....i still had the desire to be with other ppl, i never gave them 100% attention.
with chris, its different.
all my focus is on him, everywhere we go. even when he is not here.
i have no desire anymore.
ive finally found someone that i want all to myself, someone who is the love of my life.
ugh.
i cant think about it anymore.
Current Location: bed, listening to the rain.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: hide and seek-imogen heap
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